The truth and the fail
by Ikana Katsuragi
Summary: A letter to Tai. Not delivered. Who knows. Sad... so sad.


The truth and the fail  
  
******************************************************  
  
Hello Tai:  
  
I've got plenty of time to think what I'm going to say today. And I don't want to spoil it.  
  
Of course I'm not going to deliver this; I'm such a coward and I do pity my self. But it is not because I don't want to get whatever I think I want; I barely know what it is. The only reason is that I don't want to risk what I know I've got, knowing perfectly it is true I've got it: you.  
  
I am not a normal boy, I can start with. I wish I could be, just as you, with a lovely family, parents together, a sister that is always with you, good or at least normal grades at school, friends... true friends, a private life, but always surrounded by people you love and you know they love you back. Convert those sentences into the opposite and you will have the tale of my life.  
  
A life that sucks, a life that I hate, but even if I'm able to control it, I'm just as abnormal as it, so it suits me, no matter what I do, it will always follow me as a shadow.  
  
Dad once told me that adversity makes us winners. He told me that after the decision of his divorce, when I was only six. You know it makes it different. Parent divorce is always the reason of make children rare. But I couldn't understand the word "adversity" and I think I'm not that wrong for apply that term to my life. Finally, I got used to it, my brother got used to it, and we both made a face everybody knows... a face showed to the people just to shut their mouths while they're thinking "poor boys... they were too little... they have to be suffering a lot..." and I used to answer: "why do you care old hag? It is none of your business" And there we go: to a chair with the psychologist.  
  
Do you think I'm mad? Or sick? I don't know... what I know is that I don't feel comfortable with my life. I'm glad you've been always around to see what's wrong with me, even if I don't want to tell you, I just don't want you to get into my world and trouble you with all my matters... don't want to involve you. But thanks anyway, you've been there, and that is important for me. Just for smile when I say stupidities, just for wait when the crowd is passing over me, just for stare at me with that worried looking but with out saying a word. I really appreciate it. You should know me now more than my own father does, or even more than my own brother.  
  
You've been a good friend, and I don't have anything to pay up with. All I got is my soul deep inside, and my cold far outside. And all I've shown you are tears from my eyes: pain; pity; and is not fair.  
  
May be I wouldn't be around anymore anywhere, so if you need to say something do it know... maybe I'd heard... who knows. But I have my confession now... I want to free my soul and heal it.  
  
But first I would like to say how good you made me feel sometimes, when you arrived from behind and scared me to the bone, when you yelled my name trying to find me in the digital world, when you stayed at my place without any reason, just to be sure I had somebody to be with. When you hugged me, hit me, scold me, hold me... I won't forget those days when we shared a bed, you will never know how happy you made me feel just by knowing you were lying next to me, breathing the same air, sharing the same covers, even if your snoring didn't let me sleep... I dreamt enough... but avoiding my self from thinking I was in love with you. I lied to my self repressing the nice sensation I felt when in those very rare occasions you touched my skin, you stroked my hair. I didn't want to accept it. But you will never know anyways... that would ruin our friendship.  
  
However, I must say you mean everything to me now: you're the father I didn't get, the loving mother that kissed me good-night, the brother that played with me, the friend, the only and true friend I got in my pitiful life; the light, the flame, the peace and comfort, the only one I could fight with when I was up in my temper. And I don't know what do you feel towards me, and I really don't care, I'm afraid to know the answer, I'm happy with you by my side, and I must confess, you in my very wild dreams during night. I'm sick I know, but it is not a sin while I don't hurt anybody else: that's why you cannot know.  
  
When you find out, you can read this letter. But it will be too late, and I'm sorry if I disappoint you, I would never want to hurt you, but you'll have to know it's not your fault. Actually, it was nobody's fault. Just keep the secret for me, as I kept it from you. I know it isn't fair. But life is never fair.  
  
It is not a vengeance, it is not a crime. All I wanted is to give up, to heal my soul by admitting my failure. The only problem is that I don't know what have I failed in; I just feel wrong, upset, mad, ill and angry with my self. But it is not your fault. Don't think about it for any second. You know now you meant everything to me, and I'm sure you will understand, because you know me more than I do. And again: thank you. I will watch your steps and be sure everything is going to be ok. Believe me... trust me... I love you.  
  
Yours forever  
  
Yamato I.  
  
*************************************************  
  
*Reviews please: I feel bad that nobody reads my work :( * 


End file.
